“stop keeping it under lock and key…”

Last time, in Part I of this piece, we touched on the question that single horny women everywhere are dying to know:  “When is the right time to have sex with a man?”  I began by addressing the ever popular and often evoked 90-day rule.

Two men,  one, a geechee-mustache-having-comedian/radio show host/relationship “expert”  Steve Harvey, and the other, relationship blogger, blogging under the pseudonym “Panama  Jackson” for the blog, VSB,  have already weighed in on the matter, each offering opposite opinions of the 90-day rule and its relevance in modern-day dating.

Mr.  Harvey, who strongly endorses the 90-day rule, advocates it in his book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man,” while Mr. Jackson (based upon my interpretation of a blog post he contributed to I Am A Superwoman dot com), believes that the rule is flawed and ultimately ineffective.  If you read Part  I of this post, you’ll know that I’ve given my two cents  on the matter by presenting the pros and cons of both sides.

Today, I plan to give you a more precise, workable, and enforceable rule for determining when you should have sex with a man.

I’m not going to waste any time here, so I’ll get right to it.  Here’s the rule:

If you hope to have a lasting relationship with a man, you are not to sleep with him until AFTER you have met his “people.”

Now for the detailed explanation::

Here’s a little secret about men that most women would be surprised to know:   when it comes to choosing a serious and committed long-term partner, men are more selective than women.  When choosing a long-term mate, men aim for women who are much closer to their ideal than women do.  When a man is considering a woman for the long-term partner post, he only wants someone who possesses 80 to 85% of the physical attributes and personal characteristics his ideal woman possesses.  A woman, on the other hand, is more willing to accept a man who only possesses a  slight majority, 60-65%, of the physical attributes and personal characteristics that her ideal man possesses.  Put plain, when it comes to choosing a mate, women are more likely to settle.  Why is this?  Two reasons:  (1) Men do the choosing, and (2) Men aren’t in the business of trying to change women.

“…and stop rolling the dice”

In the initial stage of dating process, the woman must be the more passive party in the process.  If she wants to maximize her results in the dating game, she has to let the man be the aggressor and allow him to approach her.  (We’ve already established this rule in a previous post.)  While there are some things a woman can do steer or encourage certain types of men to approach her,  ultimately, a woman has very little control over the type and quality of men she gets.     Thus, as a result being assigned the more passive role in the dating process, a woman will usually end up having to, as they say, “take what she can get.” As a result,  women put a great deal of effort trying to change a man.  Since we have no control over the  kind of men we get, we’ll do whatever we can to mold a man to our liking.  In fact, there are actually some women who love this challenge.  They’ll accept a man who is extremely substandard and work tirelessly to mold him to their liking.  (This usually proves to be an exercise in futility, but I digress.)

A man, on the other hand, is not so eager to accept such an undertaking.  Besides the fact that changing another person requires a lot of work, to get a woman to change is virtually impossible.   Men have little to no influence over a woman’s appearance or her ways.  Men know that the consequences for criticizing a woman are so severe, he’ll avoid it like the plague.  Since he’s the one in the position to choose anyway, if he’s wise, he’ll just choose a woman who already comes “ready-made” or close to his ideal.  While she may not be perfect, as long as she possesses a vast majority of his desired qualities, he’ll accept those qualities and rearrange himself or his lifestyle to accommodate the 15-20% of qualities that she lacks.  (Don’t believe me?  Ask a man, prove me wrong.)

Don’t get it twisted.  “Eighty-percenters” do not come a dime a dozen.  By it’s very definition,  an eighty-percenter is rare and unique.  Hence, finding and “bagging” an eighty-percenter is no easy task for a man.  This is especially true if a man is not wealthy and/or  only average looking.  While wealthy and/or handsome men may have the pick of the litter, average men only have a few opportunities to actually meet and truly succeed at securing a relationship with a woman he considers (at or near) ideal.  In the meantime, while he’s on his journey to find and secure this woman, all his other needs—i.e., sexual gratification, companionship, quasi-maid, cook, babysitter, masseuse, therapist, bank of america, etc.,—have to be fulfilled by someone.  This someone is not an eighty-percenter (she’s too good for that); this person has to be easily dispensable, someone whose sole purpose is to help the man pass the time.  Let’s call her a “time -passer.”

Ladies, make no mistake, a man knows exactly what role, if any, he needs you to play in his life.   That decision is instantaneous, from the moment he lays eyes on you.  There are no tryouts, auditions, grace-periods, or wait-and-sees.  And, you don’t get to appeal his decision.  Honey, you’re either “it” or you’re not.   That determination is usually swift, decisive, and final;  and it’s very rare (so rare that it’s not even worth mentioning) that a man will negotiate on this.  The moment he lays eyes on you, he knows.

Also, once the position (i.e., sex partner) is filled, there won’t be any promotions.  A booty-call or fuck buddy will never graduate up to a girlfriend or a wifey.  That doesn’t happen.  And again, when it does happen, it’s so rare and infrequent, it isn’t worth mentioning.  It’s not your job to aspire to be the exception.  You will almost always lose at that game.  Be the rule.  Follow the rules.  It’s much safer that way. (Note::  Exceptions happen by accident; not on purpose.  The thing about accidents is (a) you can’t predict them, and (b) who the hell wants to be somebody’s girlfriend by accident?  <–If you answer yes to this, girl, get a clue, then get a life.)

By now, you’re wondering:  if a man hasn’t even gotten to know me yet, how does he know whether or not we’ll be compatible?  That’s an easy one.  He doesn’t care whether you two are compatible or not if he’s not attracted to you. A man chooses a woman based on attraction first, and compatibility second (or third or whatever is more useful to him).  He  weeds his prospects out by looks first, and then after this, he assesses the  remaining candidates by character or whatever his needs are at the moment.  Yes, it’s shallow, it sucks, it’s not fair, it’s stupid; buy hey, it is what it is.  (Don’t shoot, I’m just the messenger.)

Anyhow, after he’s made his determination, he categorizes women by their potential for success and treats them all accordingly.  Thus, the more potential a woman has to be a long-term partner for him, the more effort he’ll put into pursuing her, and the less potential she has, the less effort he’ll put into pursuing her.  There’s a strong,  positive correlation between a woman’s looks, her potential as a long-term mate, and the man’s effort.  If you didn’t know that, well now you know.  While sometimes other characteristics are considered, looks are generally the initial test.  Obviously, you can’t read minds, so you have no way of knowing exactly which category he’s placed you in.  The only thing you can do is be careful, read the cues, and follow the rules.

So this brings us to the first question:   How do you know what category a man has placed you in?

First and foremost, 90% of the time, a man’s primary objective is to get sex.  The rest of the time, either he wants a friendship or he wants to make a meaningful connection.  He knows what your primary objective is–to get into a relationship–and he uses this to his advantage to get what he wants.  Thus, in the very beginning, he’ll say and do all the things that look a lot like what he would do if he were seriously pursing you.  Don’t fall for it, it’s a trap.  Never give a man your goodies until he reveals his true intentions.

Which brings us to our second question:  How do you know a man’s true intentions?

Let me say this now:  everything I’m going to say below is all assuming that you want a serious relationship with a guy.  If you do not want a serious relationship with a guy, a man’s true intentions is not important to you.  Under these circumstances, the answer to the question when you should sleep with him is very simple:  as soon as possible! [OR NEVER!]  Why?  Because the sooner you have sex with a man, the sooner he’ll disappear!  It’s almost a universal truth:  a man who’s not in to you generally won’t stick around much after sex.  And why should he?  He’s accomplished his objective.  Here’s the upside for you:  if you do not like the guy OR you cannot see yourself with him, the sooner you sleep with him the better because the sooner he’ll disappear and the less likely you are to do something stupid–like fall in love.

Let me explain.

Here’s the thing about women:  oftentimes a woman will meet a man and learn soon afterward that she doesn’t like him or that he’s no good for her.  However, for some reason or another, either out of boredom or curiosity, she’ll find herself in bed with him once…and then twice…and then three times…and then all of a sudden she’s decided that “he’s not so bad after all” and maybe deserves a chance.  Even worse, she might begin to feel sorry for him and start thinking of ways she can change help him.   Both of these decisions are bad ideas for precisely one reason:  it never works.  This is why I say, if you know you don’t like a guy early on, go ahead and sleep with him.  Please hurry!  The sooner you do, the sooner he’ll vanish from your life.  You’ll probably cry, be upset, and perhaps even curse him to hell, but, at least he’ll be gone and you can get back to the business of being a  woman with some fucking sense.  That’ll teach you (or remind you) to trust your instincts and keep it moving when you meet a guy who’s not the one.

However, if you meet a man who really sparks your interest and from your time together it’s apparent to you that he’s worthy of pursuing something serious with, you should take the advice that follows.  However, before you can strategize intelligently how to stay a few steps ahead of a man in a relationship, you need to understand how men think.

As I mentioned earlier, a man will determine your usefulness (i.e., purpose) and your “shelf-life”  (i.e., how long he’s willing to deal with you) very early on.  This will usually be from the first time he lays eyes on you.  Peep the clever little  flow-chart my brother and I designed below:

What a man is thinking when he sees/meets a woman for the first time:

There it is, a visual of how a man decides what he’s going to do with a woman from the first time he sees her.  A man can look at you and make this determination in under a second.  The reason why his decision is so instantaneous is because the physical characteristics he’s looking for are so deeply ingrained that it only takes a second for him to accept to reject you.  (See this again if you need to).

The chart, is pretty self explanatory but I figured I should probably go over a few features of it, so…

Sex is physical so sex is easy.  It’s the lowest possible threshold (and hence step [1] in the process) to get over because men don’t really lose anything when they have sex with a woman.  So naturally, they are not very picky when it comes to sex.  Most men will screw anything that blinks as long as it’s easy and costs him very little.  However, every once and a while, a woman so hideously unattractive, will come across a man’s path and he’d rather cut off his left arm with a table saw than be alone (yes, even in the dark!) with her.  Box ( 1a.)   clearly illustrates how  if a man is not attracted to you sexually, that’s the end.

Now, if a man can at least stomach having sex with you [2] but you don’t measure up to his minimum standard of beauty/attractiveness, like I said above, as long as it’s quick, easy, convenient, and guaranteed not to cause him shame or discomfort, he’ll do it (2a.).  But, don’t expect a kiss, a call back, and certainly not a Valentine’s Day card.  You’ve served your purpose and now it’s time for you to move on.

Now, as you can see, when we get to question [3] the chart becomes a little more complicated.  Question 3 is probably the  most crucial question in this whole chart.  “Can I introduce her to the homies?”  I’ve discussed this issue at length in the past–the importance of “the homies” (i.e., a man’s peer group).  Though they might be reluctant to admit this,  the opinion of a man’s peer group carries a lot of weight.  What a man’s friends think has a great deal of influence over his choice of potential mates.   Most, not all, men abide by this sacred rule.  “If you’re not hot/beautiful/fine/”bad”/presentable enough to bring around the homies, I can’t date you.” No man is going to take a woman around his friends if he knows his friends are going to clown him because of how she looks, speaks, dresses, or acts.  A man’s friends constitute his strongest support system, he draws a good percentage of his confidence from them.  In determining whether a woman is worthy of pursuing seriously, a man has to be confident that you’ll fit in well with his image and his lifestyle.  Your fate as a potential girlfriend (gf) hinges on Question [3].  (Don’t believe me?  Ask a guy, prove me wrong.)

Stop right here!

This, ladies, is your test.

Ladies, if a man can’t fathom introducing you to his friends or as I like to say “his people”—including his peers, boss, colleagues, family, or anyone whose opinion holds any weight—odds are, you’ll never make it past a bed mate or occasional movie/dinner date.  Now, if you’re easy enough on his eyes (alone) and  you have a nice, easy-going personality or your skills in the bedroom are phenomenal he may not mind seeing you often or even for an extended period of time.  However, you will never be girlfriend material if he can’t introduce you to his people.  If your exposure  is limited, I can guarantee you won’t be getting much, if any, mileage out  of that relationship.

A man will say and do a lot to convince you that he’s interested in you so he can get you to have sex with him.  Unless you read minds, you have no real way of knowing if he’s sincere, or whether he’s going to pull the old hit-and-run.  Of course if he treats you poorly or talks to you disrespectfully, this is an clear indication that he doesn’t like you very much.  However, most men are clever and can fake “it” long enough to get the goods and get out.  If you aspire to be “the one” and you want to ensure that a man regards you as the kind of woman he can really see himself with in the long run, you must not have sex with him until you’ve been introduced to his people.  Based upon my observation and personal experience, this is the most reliable benchmark to use to determine girlfriend-worthiness.

Sure, the 90-day rule gives you something to go on–time–but time is not enough.  Steve Harvery is correct in that you need to watch a man and pay attention to his behavior before you can know if the man is decent and if the relationship has any chance of going anywhere.  However, it’s important to note that a man can treat you well simply because that’s how he was raised or simply because that’s the kind of person he is.  But treating you right and having long-term plans for you are two completely different things.  A man can treat you well and still not regard you as girlfriend material.  Another way in which the 90-day rule comes up short is quality.  Ninety days gives you no indication of the quality of that time spent.  If the man spends the bulk of the 90-days just texting you instead of actually talking to you; just talking to you instead of taking you on dates; or, just taking you on dates instead spending quality time with you, what good is the  90-days?  By the same token, you can make a meaningful connection with a man and a man can show you his intentions in under 90-days.  You see, it really depends.  As a woman, you can only follow the rules, pay attention to the cues, and assess it on a case by case basis.

INTEGRATION:

The thing that separates the “keepers” from the women who are meant simply to help a man pass his time is INTEGRATION.  Just because a man is taking you places, treating you properly, being consistent with his word, and showing genuine interest in you, doesn’t mean anything.  The difference between a keeper and a time-passer is if  a man introduces you to his people and incorporates you into his life in a significant way.  A man is not going to tell you which one you are.  And, even if he does, he could very well be lying.  Integration is non-verbal assurance that he plans to keep you around.  When he invites you to do things with his friends, family, and the people he values, he’s letting you know that his intentions toward you are beyond helping him pass the time.

Caveat:

You have not been “integrated” if you met his people by accident or the event in which you met his people is an insignificant one.  Notice, I said incorporate you into his life in a “significant way.”  If you two are out at the movies, for example, and you bump into someone he knows, this doesn’t count.  He’s not supposed to introduce you by mistake.  The effort has to be deliberate.  Integration must involve some forethought and planning on his part.  Also, if he’s asking you to meet up with him and his friends at the club, late at night, or during the wee hours of the morning, this doesn’t count either.  At that time in the morning, his friends know what his intentions are–pure sex.  The introduction must take place at decent hour in a non-sexual setting.  Events like weddings, family picnics, a friend’s birthday party at the bowling alley, a beach outing,  office party, etc. are all valuable meetings.  A good clue = the event is in the daytime.  Another good clue = his friends’ girlfriends (not mistresses) are there too.  Another good clue  = he doesn’t introduce you as a friend, co-worker, or “a girl I know.”  It’s even better if they already know your name.  You’re doing really good then.

In short, INTEGRATION trumps and replaces the “90-day” rule.

Like I said in the last post, the question of whether it’s really necessary to wait  to have sex is usually asked by someone who wants to circumvent the rule.  Do not do it.  We have rules for a reason.  If you’re really serious and you want  assurance that your relationship with this guy is real and not for sex, you have to hold out.  I don’t care how horny you are or he is.  Don’t give in.  Invest in a vibrator, call an ex-boyfriend / male friend, or just abstain.  But whatever you do, don’t break this rule.

Are there  women who break the rule?  Yes.  Do they end up with the guy anyway?  Yes.  But these are the exception.  I’ve told you time and time again:  smart women don’t make decisions based on hypotheticals or exceptions.  Exceptions are accidents and you can’t predict those.   Go with the rule and you can’t lose.

Oh, and don’t worry about the build up of sexual tension.  Sexual tension is good.  It makes the sex that much better when you finally give in, trust me.   It’s also an accelerant.  If the guy really likes you and really wants to get into those pants,  his desire to relieve that sexual tension will put the fire under his ass and  it’ll encourage him to pull out all the stops and impress you.  You need that tension.  Use it to your advantage.  One way or the other, it’ll give you all the assurance you need.  Also, don’t waste your time worrying about whether he’ll get it from somewhere else if you don’t put out.  Trust me, he’s already getting it somewhere!

Last, the rule is not fool-proof.  Some men are really good at putting on a production and pulling out all the stops to fool you.  It happens.  If a guy succeeds in pulling the wool over your eyes,  you can’t do anything about it except pick your face up, get over it, and move on.    Also, there are some men who are genuine and their intentions are good.  They’ll show the effort but end up flaking out in the end for one reason or the other (they either have issues or your personalities clash, it happens).  Unfortunately, you can’t do much about this either.  Once you give it up, it’s gone,  and you’ve lost your leverage forever.  Sorry, you can’t get it back.   A guy knows whether he likes you or not, so for him, it  doesn’t matter when you give it up.  However, your question is not whether he knows or not, your question is “how do I know?”   If you do your job, follow the rules, and watch for the cues, you will know.  If you want something serious, your best bet is to wait and give it time.  You’ll never lose anything by waiting.  If you wait and he stops seeing you because you didn’t put out quickly enough for him, then he was after sex to begin with.  Consider yourself lucky for dodging that bullet.

Anyhow, you can thank me later.  You’re welcome.

p.s. don’t forget to “Like” this post and join the group via the FB Fan Page box in the right  hand panel of this blog.

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Tags: 90 day rule, attraction, dating, dating strategy, how men think, lies, men, settle, sex, steve harvey, strategy, tools, when to have sex, wisdom, women